But if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like you've been here before?
How am I going to be an optimist about this?
How am I going to be an optimist about this?
Have you ever tried to hide from yourself so desperately? Emotions can be so overrwhelming that you try so hard not to feel them that you escape yourself and create a version of you hoping to fool yourself. Your friends and family close to you are looking for you somewhere inside the physical body, trying to connect but you've put yourself so far away for what you believe is self preservation. Because to listen to the voices of fear is to feel overwhelming terror and sadness that paralyzes your life.
The truth is there is no escape. You've maybe succeeded to fool others, but that is all. The emotions are waiting close by, ready for your flimsy mask to slip. Then, at just the right time, you find something. A mirror, of sorts. Something that magnifies your broken pieces in bright lights and allows no escape. In order to move along, you 'gotta come correct'. After seeing it, you can try to put the mask back on but it never really fit right, and it keeps falling off. Eventually even that crumbles.
I think it's time to fall apart so I can fall back together. I spent a lot of time doing the strong thing during cancer, and that was my truth at the time. But this after cancer fake strong does't fit anymore. It's a sham of a second act. I'm sick of being cancer girl but I can't get away from her either. I can't put her away like she never existed (see mask eventually crumbles), so it's time to learn how to make peace with it all and carry on.
I thank you for getting me and my family through such a crazy time. It was awful, and I couldnt have done it without all of you! I'm closing up the site as part of my process. (My mask wanted it open so it was here WHEN she needed it again. I'm going to say now that IF that happens, I'm pretty sure it'll work itself out).
I'm attaching a video link, one of my 'mirrors'.
forever grateful
xoxo,
becky
