The wound is the place where the Light enters you. ― Rumi

My dear friend Marcella sent me the above quote yesterday.  I believe in this wholeheartedly.  I always have, but now more so than ever.  This cancer is taking me on a journey in so many different ways - physical, emotional, psychological.  I have seen such goodness and kindness and compassion in people I know and strangers alike.  It would be hard for me to deny the light that has seeped in through my wounds and lit up my soul.  Thank you lovely people for all of the light!

I made it through the first step - surgery!  The first 24 hours after were the least fun, but I got through it, and each day the pain lessens some.  In fact, today, exactly one week later, I was able to get one of my 4 tubes/drains removed.  I was so excited to have another step down!  This past week has been a series of baby steps.  Getting out of bed, doing my arm exercises, stripping my tubes, emptying drains, eating enough, drinking plenty of fluids, using my incentive spirometer and getting the numbers higher and higher each day,  Lots of little goals conquered and replaced with new goals.

Each movement, from one day to the next, is like a victorious battle over this war that I was forced to fight.  I'm not unlike anyone else - I'm no hero, I'm not braver, I'm not stronger, nor am I particularly inspiring.  I was given cancer and I have to get rid of it, simple as that.  Truly, think about it - what would you do if you got cancer?  Lie down and die?  Of course not.  You've got to hunker down, and put on your game face.  You're going to take control of  the steering wheel and enlist, because if not you're still getting drafted.  You may even head to the hair salon and shave the side of your head and get a blue stripe.  Whatever works, whatever gets you in game mode.

I don't want to downplay the importance of attitude.  It's EVERYTHING.  But my attitude is not something that just happened because I'm such a positive person by nature.  I tend to be a bit of a high/low kind of person.  I let myself go to dark places but then my highs are really high.  That said, I purposely surround myself with people who knowingly or not, get me out of the darkness.  Henceforth (whaaat?) I cannot take credit for the influence that family, friends and community whose gestures have all been so uplifting.  My support system is so vast and so fortifying - how can I let myself go to the darkness when all you little sun rays keep shining on me? 

As you may know, I received the great news that I am Stage 1, meaning that there was no cancer found in my lymph nodes.  YAY!  Because my cancer is triple negative, I still need chemo and because they didn't get clear margins (cancer found) I may need radiation.  Not so happy about that, but obviously I gotta do what I gotta do.  I do it all in the name of BOOBIES.  As in new ones.  As in bigger.  As in HELLZ YEAH.

Thanks for all the light.  I am getting better and stronger each day because I feel the constant warmth!

xoxo, B

oh what a week it's been

Not going to lie, it's been a tough week.  Last night I was up until 2:00am thinking about surgery, just feeling anxious about it all.  I know it's part of the process of getting the cancer out, and I am happy for it to be over.  I'm just not looking forward to the actual surgery and aftermath.  First the surgeon will make incisions underneath my breasts and then do what she described as surgery in a cave.  She'll remove all of the tissue and then do a sentinel lymph node removal to be sure it hasn't traveled into the lymph nodes.  They will place a port in my clavicle region that inserts into my jugular for chemo, and tissue expanders will also be put in. I will have tubing going through and out of me that I will have to 'milk' into 4 drains that will be attached to a surgical bra I will wear.  This just all sounds very alien like to me.  And gross.  For a woman's detailed experience, click here.  It might seem strange that I want to see this but I like to know what I'm in for.  Fear of the unknown is so much worse than cold hard facts.

Lots of emotion about my state of consciousness during surgery:  Fear. What if I don't go all the way to sleep and I can hear what's going on around me?  Anxiety. What if they forget what surgery I'm having and do something different? (really far fetched!) Excitement.  What if we really do get to visit with our departed loved ones and I get to have a few hours with my dad? (Bonus!) Fear again.  What if something goes wrong and I didn't prepare the world properly for my departure? (OK, take it down a notch there crazy cakes). Then anger. Just wtf really. (Don't even think you have a chance at winning here, you sneaky little body invader).

Most of all I feel like I'm grieving the loss of the body that I know, the one that I have become mostly (somewhat? ehh) comfortable with and in (although I've always been flat chested and complained about that, it doesn't make it any easier to know they will lop off what little breast I had).  Dear body, I know I put you down a whole lot your entire life.  I apologize.  Hindsight, huh?  You have served me well until you started with this cancer bullshit.  I'm sorry to have to do this to you, but it is for the best.  I promise to accept your replacement more than I ever did you.  It's not your fault I had insecurities, but I certainly do not want to breed that mindset.  I want to embrace my new body with the self love my old body never got.  I understand now, more than ever, how important that is.

The past week, while hard as we come upon surgery day, has also been a week of jaw dropping, tear jerking beauty.  The thoughtful gifts that have been offered to me, the warmth and support from strangers, t-shirts made for my bitches and foundations calling me to offer help, guidance, advocacy.  I am here to tell you that even though the world is full of assholes, it clearly is overflowing with unbelievably selfless, gracious beings that have shown me more love and support than I can ever repay.  I love you all.  True love that says, I am here and want nothing but to offer you anything you may need - be it physical or emotional.

My mom arrived Saturday and her presence brings me great comfort.  We will be well supported while she is here in so many ways by outside help, but the one thing that is most important to me is my children feeling comfortable, loved and having someone that says home to them, and that is my mom.  She is having a tough time accepting the outside help because she wants to do it all, but I'm here to tell you mom that people just want you and the kids to be together and for your time here to be about....well time with us, and not working like a dog!  I know that is hard for you, but please accept this gift.  It's quite a remarkable thing that will happen when we open our arms and hearts to embrace the kindness offered.  I love you so much, and I can't imagine getting through without you.

To my husband, I promise to ask for what I need and not make you guess.  I know you are concerned with how to be there for me, but I vow to communicate my needs when I need them.  I promise I don't need anything but you.  No gifts, no flowers (but tulips are my favorite) and certainly no plans for a vacation somewhere tropical when this is over....I love you and thank you for your strength and love and comfort not just this past month, but since the day you told me you used to dream of the girl who you would marry, but she had no face, and when you met me, you knew I was that girl.  I love you so much.

To my children my beautiful children......I promise that even though I'm crazy cakes and my head takes me to dark places, I will definitely wake up from surgery because who else will take care of you little hooligans.  I might pretend I'm in a lot of pain just to get a couple more nights in a quiet hospital, but other than that, I promise I'll be home.  Thanks for keeping me positive and giving me so much to do that I don't have TOO much time for over imaginating!  You are my little mirrors and show me all the time by your actions, exactly how many mistakes I make on a daily basis....but you're also the very best of me (and daddy), and I am so proud of who you are right now, and the prospects that you all hold for the future.  You are going to be amazing, all in your own unique ways.  The world better watch out!!

To my family, neighbors & friends, whether it's a blanket, gift baskets, a phone call, a text, a healing thought or intention, a pre-treatment party.....I could go on and on here....you guide me to positive places in my mind and spirit.  Your friendship and love is truly palpable and divine.  I am not Oprah, but one thing I know for sure?  I.AM.LOVED.

As Auntie Norma, used to say....2 more sleeps! (until surgery)

the gift stops here

BRCA 1/2 tests came back negative!! yeeee-haaaa!  I'm so happy to know that I will not pass this on ;o)

happy day!!

I see helpers

I love this quote by Mr. Rogers.  I posted it on instagram a while back when Ferguson was on fire.  I was so upset that night and stayed awake for hours watching humanity at its worst.  I thought, what kind of world do I live in where people do this to their own neighbors and community?  I understand the anger of inequality - not personally, of course I never could truly get it.  Just like I never understood before what it is like to have cancer.  Just like I still dont get it, because as of right now, it's just anxiety.  No surgery, no chemo.  I feel pretty ok physically.

Anyway, the helpers.....they truly are everywhere!  A neighbor tells one neighbor, and all of a sudden they are rallying the neighbors.  My friends Heather* & Robyn are on board to organize a website where helpers keep telling me to add them to.  What can we do they ask?  Get the kids? Bring food? Do laundry, groceries, errands?  I have my preK mom friends all over doing favors, and I am just in awe of the helpers.  You see, I'm one of them, I'm a helper.  I want to help you in any way possible.  Sometimes to my own default.  Sometimes I am so busy and scattered because I've offered too much help.

So now, I stand before the world in my time of need.  I have gotten some great advice.  Accept the help, it's your time, you can't get through this alone.  I always believed that in life you are given a lesson over and over until you truly learn it.  Perhaps this is what is going on?!  I can never accept help.  I got this, I can do this, done done.  Maybe one of those lessons I am so eager to learn in this journey is right here in front of me, YELLING at me.  Learn the lesson this time, Becky!  You are not alone, we are here to help you in any way we can.

Surgery is a week from tomorrow so I am getting my corner prepped and ready for all the helpers to come.  I will open my hands and accept your love, your grace and your friendship.  I will accept your help b/c I get it now, Universe, I truly do.  I had an ahaa moment.  Heather said it the other day (well she was really text singing it), but she was killing it Barbra style "people who need people...." and I kind of thought to myself "are the loneliest people' before realizing the true lyric is 'are the luckiest people'.  And then BAM there it was my lesson.

I am so in do it myself mode that I distance myself from others. Put up my walls of "i got this" and then feel so alone.  People who DONT need people are lonely! It is in accepting help that connection is shared.  The beauty and grace that comes from accepting the helpers' help is really going to rock my world. 

Lesson #1 received, cancer, thank you very much.  Bring it on helpers, bring it on.

*For some reason my life is infiltrated with Heathers right now ;o)  So I will tell you that coordinator Heather is Bristol Heather (she lives in Bristol district), Heather that I wrote about in my last post, we will call Clark Heather (she lives in Clark district) and my NJ Heather (from NJ) is an Acupuncturist.  PS They are Heathers Reinvented - not a mean bone in any of their bodies!  all love xoxo

all business: a revisit of what's to come

On Friday I had an appointment with my oncologist and was given some pretty good news!  I will have only 4 rounds of chemo as far as they think.  If during surgery they find more, and it's worse than they thought, the worst case scenario is only 6 rounds of chemo!  I am happy b/c this part scares me the most.  I sat with my dad on many days during and/or after chemo, especially on days when the side effects were raring their ugly heads, and it wasn't fun to watch.  Let alone know that I too will be feeling pretty crappy soon.  But 4 rounds, 6 rounds?  I can do that!

What this means as an update to my timeline is that on Jan 21st I will have the double mastectomy/expander surgery.  Then I wait 4 weeks to heal, and have an appointment with my oncologist on Feb 13th to see if I'm ready for chemo.  If all is well, which I expect it will be (hi-ya!) I will probably start chemo the following week.  Then one round means one day of receiving chemo and other drugs intravenously.  Then go home and deal with it for 3 weeks (he says first few days not so good, 2nd few days a bit better, the next week even better and a week a feeling good b/f you go in for next round). Basically they call one day of chemo (day 1) and the last day of the round (day 21), in my case (it's different for everyone).

Once I'm recovered from chemo we will hopefully be ready for the final surgery shortly after (I say hopefully b/c we don't know until surgery if it has spread to my lymph nodes, and if so how many?  If it is 3 or more, then most likely radiation will be needed following chemo).  I'm guessing here but I think that means if I start chemo Feb 19th, I should be finished by mid May (at 4 rounds) and ready for final reconstruction hopefully end of May/beginning of June?

Perfect - just in time for summer!

Recognize Your Inner Ninja

Yesterday I went out to lunch w/my new friend Heather who just got through her toughest part of chemo...yet still has a seemingly never ending 3 months of chemo left and then radiation and then hormone blockers for like 5 years. (I think that is more or less her deal) Blech. Here's the thing.  She thinks that she is not a ninja.  I'm quite positive that she is but she doesnt recognize her own ninjaness.  So Heather, my friend, this is a wake up call to your very inaccurate opinion of yourself.

You see, I literally met Heather 3 weeks ago?  It was December 23rd.  She called me and said I got your number from a mutual friend, and then asked for my address, brought babysitters (her sons) and showed up on my doorstep.  The doorbell rings, I open door, and before me stands this beautiful bald vibrant woman looking at me, then hugging me saying "we got you. you got this.  you're good."  She proceeds to take me to lunch while her children watch my children so she could 'hear my story' and help through my diagnosis. Mind you, she is just 2 days out from chemo, feeling pretty crappy but put it all aside to go be there for a stranger.  She wanted me to know I was going to be OK and I wasn't alone.  Right at a time when I was feeling....well pretty alone.

I think being ninja means being vulnerable, so I don't know how much more ninja you can get?!  Seeing her again gave me strength...to see her eating and laughing, enjoying herself when 3 days ago she couldn't get her beautiful bald head out of the bowl.  She makes me know 'I can do this' b/c here she is, out to lunch, in the thick of it, not only doing it but out supporting others.

Dear Heather,

Being a ninja doesn't mean that you are always in kick ass mode.  Being brave doesnt mean not being scared...the only thing in your head that day was getting to me as fast as possible.  You didn't for one second think of your tired chemo self as you drove to my home, 2 days before Christmas presenting me with the the gift of how to be a ninja.  HIIII-YAHHH!  

xoxo

I am titanium

I love this version of Titanium by these 2 young boys.  The emotional depth surprises you when you look at their innocence and size.   Beautifully done, and an inspiring song for battle mode.  

I hope I am the same paradox.  Cancer sees me coming and says, oh pssshaw look at her, she doesn't stand a chance, and then I perform my pink ninja moves and cancer's all ummmm I think I hear my mommy calling, gotta go now! 

That's right.  Don't come for me unless I send for you.

Shoot me down, but I won't fall.  I am titanium!