I am my hair

I've had enough, enough, enough

And this is my prayer

I swear I'm as free as my hair

I am my hair, I am my hair

~Lady Gaga

I feel like the past couple of weeks recovering, I didn't have so much to say on a daily basis and I didn't want to force my entries, but at the same time, I feel like I haven't been very good in updating all of you who have been so giving of your time, love, kindness, prayers and energy!  So here goes my attempt at an update but yet feeling somewhat uninspired to write at the moment....let's see, finally today I got the last of my 4 drains removed, which is AMAZINGLY quite relieving.  I didn't realize how the tubes are placed around each tissue expander and have been the cause for so much pressure and discomfort.  I still have quite a lot of tightness and discomfort in the chest, shortness of breath and limited arm mobility, and some residual pain.

I have made many baby steps in progressing from walking around the house to walking around a store, to attending a basketball game (my boys' game which was an hour), eventually getting my hair done, and finally joining my son's class at the art museum for a field trip yesterday.  Quite the progression! Most importantly I have been given visual motivation to keep on keepin' on.  I got the hair that I've been envisioning and feel like my outsides finally match my spirit - just feeling ready to knock this out and move along to the next step.  The journey to the Mohawk was quite an experience in itself.  It involved 2 stylists and 1 Heather traipsing me to and fro, and hours of work. Tuesday the intial cut and color was done, and while I was initially satisfied, the next day it felt incomplete, like I wasn't quite there yet.  Sort of like it felt before Livia arrived - a presence in the Kaplan cosmic waiting room ready to join us - our family was incomplete without her.  I searched on in an attempt to get the vibrant colors I felt were missing, I found my way to one Karson Kelley, who 1) gave me the colors I was wanting and 2) I believe it was more synchronicity than coincidence, and he wasn't just an amazing fire breathing 'hairtician', but a transcendental transplant from Kentucky that I was supposed to collide with on this part of my journey.  I had an excellent day of destiny.

The above outcome is the product of many factors, including google, friends, timing and universal alignment.  I feel like myself, and I am quite happy someone was able to decipher my attempts at emoting my need for harmonizing my inner and outer selves.  I'm not sure why but hair has always felt like either an expression of what I was feeling or the compass of how I want to feel.  The need for getting it right was inestimable.  Because honestly, cancer - no problem, I'll conquer no doubt.  Surgery - got through this one, and I'll get through the next.....but BAD hair?  NOT. COOL. DUDE.  The fall out of bad hair is worse for me than the cancer diagnosis.  You are only as good as your day, and when you look in the mirror and your insides are not in accordance with your outsides, then they can cause a mutiny of that confidence, and your morale will literally do an about face. For real, yo.  Just like your most excellent hair day says I MUST, I CAN, I WILL.  Your bad hair day says I COULDN'T EVEN, NOT A CHANCE, NEVER HAPPENIN'.  I concur...good hair? 2 snaps up! bad hair?  Hated it!  

Whether you or anyone else likes my new hair or not, couldn't matter less to me. One gift of cancer is the gift of I could not possibly care less what you think. I'm doing me. So, for me, this is the hair I need for right now. I believe that this is most definitely the hair that will kick cancer's ass.  It's sort of like a vision board, but on my head, and well not so much a board as it is fibers out of follicles.  Those of you who get it. get it.  Those of you who don't, well I can't help you, sorry.  My speech is done.

To move along with my uninspiring update, I had a follow up appointment with my surgeon today and she wants me to see the radiation oncologist.  Seems I meet 2 of the 5 criterion for having radiation which is when they start to consider radiation a good bet:  1) my age, and that I'm so young (I actually enjoy them telling me I'm so young ;o) just wish it were a positive aspect in this case!) and 2) the unclear margins contained cancer in a 3 cm radius around the tumor and that is not what they want to see.  They want clear cancer free margins in order to rule out radiation....for these reasons, I am gearing up for the fact that I will have radiation following chemo.  I meet with my chemo oncologist next Friday to find out timing on chemo and hopefully the radiation oncologist appt will be ASAP too.  I'm the kind of person who likes to know each step and marinate about the process.  I like to know the facts - good bad ugly.

So while this isn't the greatest scenario, it's certainly not the worst, and more importantly it's the one I am preparing for.  In the meantime, I am my hair. And if I do say so myself, it's pretty kick ass.  Thx karson with a k.

And a quick but no less important shout out to all my brigade and bitches for everything.  I wouldn't be able to have made such a quick recovery without your support, and I thank you for every gesture, every meal, every visit, laundry delivery, child transport, gift, flowers, fruit and emails/texts/calls/cards with thoughtful sentiments, etc. etc.  I am indebted to you all!